Have you been feeling guilty when you treat yourself or panicking when the credit card bill arrives? Those (usually!) aren’t just quirky habits. They’re subconscious voices from your childhood whispering, “You don’t deserve to spend on yourself,” or “Money is scary.”
Maybe it was a parent who saw wealthy people as “excessively extravagant,” or your father’s sigh every time you asked for cash. Whatever the cause, those money scripts stick with us into adulthood, and breaking free is tough. We can’t change the past, but we can shape our kids’ money relationship.
Spot Your Own Money Scripts
Before you change your kids’ financial future, take a step back and look at what you’re already passing on. How do you feel when you splurge on something you don’t really need, talk about your budget, or open up the bills? Ask yourself where these feelings come from, and whether they’re still true.
Take Liora and Binny, for example. Every time Binny asked Liora how much she’d spent, she’d end up snapping at him. They had the money to spend, so Binny couldn’t understand why she was so upset. It wasn’t until Liora learned about money scripts that she realized her reaction had nothing to do with money and everything to do with her mother’s anger when she’d overspend as a kid. Once she identified that, she was able to answer calmly.
If money makes you feel anxious or guilty, talk about it. Open up with your spouse, a friend, or even a therapist. You can’t expect your kids to have a healthy relationship with money if you’re secretly terrified of it.
Talk to Your Kids About Spending
For lots of kids, the only “money talk” they hear from their parents is “No, you can’t buy that, did you look at the price tag?” or see their parents stressing over bills. Without positive guidance, money becomes something to fear or be wary of.
Instead, have open, everyday conversations about money. You might say, “We’re saving up for a new sofa, so we’re going to skip takeout for a few weeks.” This shows them that money doesn’t have to be a taboo subject.
By using a calm voice and a smile, you’re teaching your kids that it’s okay to talk about money without fear.
Teach Them How Money Actually Works
Kids often think money appears when you swipe a card, but the reality is a lot more complicated. Don’t wait until they’re adults to teach them about money. Help them understand that (most) millionaires didn’t just get “lucky” — it took years of hard work, and lots of sleepless nights.
Share with your kids the effort you put into earning money. You don’t need to share exact numbers, but talk about the work behind it. For example, you could talk tell your kids about how you wanted to go on a longer vacation, so you’ve been putting in extra hours throughout the month.
Don’t make it a lecture, just a casual conversation.
For instance, “You know why our cleaning lady doesn’t come on Sundays anymore? I decided to do more work myself so we can use the money for things we’ll enjoy more.” It’s a simple way to show that financial decisions are part of daily life, not something to panic over.
Model Generosity
You can’t teach your kids about generosity without modeling it. Show them how you spend money on causes you care about, or talk about the tzedakah organizations you support.
Explain why it’s important to give to others, “Not everyone can afford the things we have. Giving tzedakah helps other people get food and clothes, just like us.”
Your kids will pick up on your values without you having to lecture them. They’ll learn that money isn’t just about buying what you want, but about helping others in need.
Show Them You’re Learning, Too
You don’t need to have all the answers, or even a perfect relationship with money. It’s okay for your kids to see you figuring things out. Share with them when you make a mistake, like buying something at a sale you didn’t really need, and talk through it with them.
By sharing your small slip-ups, you make money feel more human and approachable. It sends the message that it’s okay to not get everything right and that learning from mistakes is a part of life. Most importantly, it shows them how to navigate money thoughtfully, without fear, guilt, or shame.
